Week One

This week is honestly just a blur.  We were so terrified of everything.  While in the hospital we got such good feedback about our nursing, but the wheels kind of came off as soon as we got home.  We called Jodi at soon as we got home because you felt warm and I thought you had a fever.  You had a normal temperature for an infant of 99.5.  Your Dad would not let anyone change your diapers, but him.  We tried to use the bassinet in the hospital and the one at home, but you would scream as soon as we put you down.  So we did not put you down, at all.  You slept cuddled against me on a pillow on our bed, or on your Dad's chest.  I was so emotional, crying frequently and so worried that you were going to stop breathing.  You looked so much like your sister I would envision you dead.  Aunt Kim came to help take care of you and us, but it did not work out the way I thought it would.  I was snappy to her and your Dad.  I hated to be left alone and just felt overwhelmed.

You were crying all the time.  Feeding you was a nightmare, my nipples were bleeding and so painful.  You would not open your mouth wide enough to get a good latch and then when you were really screaming and I could get the nipple in you would not even try to eat.  When we did finally get a latch it was so painful I would cry and swear.  We called you red devil baby during these episodes.  It was not the womanly art I was expecting.  I was hyper sensitive to even perceived criticism.  Kim was trying to help, but I was just over loaded with what people were telling me.  I also had to wake you up to try and eat, when you finally fell asleep after 2 hours I would try to wake you up to eat.  I was so exhausted.

We took you to the doctor and found that you had lost 14% of your birth weight.  I was so worried that you were dying, that my body was failing you.  We were given samples of formula at the doctor.  I felt like such a failure feeding them to you, but you were so happy to get a good meal, you sucked down a 2 oz bottle and then stopped crying and slept.  I  stopped breastfeeding for a few days, I was pumping some, but not getting enough milk to feed you.  It was a real low point.

There was also unending joy this week.  You were here and perfect and although it was hard we were getting to learn how to be parents.  I gave you yours first bath at home.  On your 1 week birthday you had your newborn photo shoot.  You did so well and you were so amazing.  Those pictures touch me so deeply.  I wish that I could go back with what I know now and do this week over, but you survived and so did we.